Still Cleaning

I would just like to say that it is 11:24pm and I am still cleaning. I switched around the furniture in every room.....feels pretty good. I think I still have a few hours to go! I got the good dancing music on now too!!



All that a side....I feel like going out and dancing now. It has been so long. Some times stuff like that is hard when you are dating someone older. I long to take one of my teacher vacations and stay in Havana and take every weekend to go shake it like Shikira. I used to be a great dancer. As the days of my life go on, its a part that I don't think about now that I am grown. But, when the urge hits I really want to do it. Doesn't seem like it would be possible though. Even just to go to a club here is just a pain with all the dam smokers. They really ruin it. Vegas is horrible. I will have to go to one of those states where everything is smoke free. Will you take me? I need a dancing partner and some fun friends that aren't afraid to pull me to the dance floor and shake it too.

How I desperately long for this. Too bad S hates dancing.

Finding Money

S and I are going through our house to figure out what we can sell to go towards another IVF. We put a bunch of stuff up online and plan to have a garage sale. S is also going to work an additional 200 hours over the next year to pay off some of the IVF cost. Basically, if we want to pay all of this off we have to live a little poor for the next year. Not that we haven't already. We still live out of boxes from our move 1.5 year ago. We need furniture, rugs, paint, exct. We just really need this to happen so living poor will feel worth it. Please God, give us an embryo and sperm that are healthy and implant into S. She is so worthy and deserving. She needs to feel whole, complete, worthy, strong, important, and that she is somebody in this world. No matter how many times I tell her that she is and how much she means to me, it is ultimately S judging herself. I hope she is going to be strong for this upcoming ride....whatever your plans may be for her. Please look kindly upon her, I know she will do a good job and be forever grateful.

Inbetween Up and Down

The title of this blog says it all.

First I will start with the Up side. I have been as school for a few days this week in meetings and such. We got 2 new administrators and things look like they are going to shape up. Some of the shit will be the same. I am so tired of the good ole' boys club. Fuck football and its American tradition. It is the cause of so much inequality, it sick ins me. Sorry this is supposed to be positive. Anyways, it was nice seeing people and taking my mind off things. It was also nice seeing the two people who know about me and what I am going through. They are becoming some of my first "real" friends. I can't tell you how great it feels just to talk about everyday stuff with them. They know exactly what happened this summer and how shitty it has been. Everyone else that I ran into yesterday I had to lie. It takes its tole on you. I am so not used to having people know about my life and be friends with me that it is almost uncomfortable. But I like it. My parents really didn't have a lot of friends growing up - so I guess no one really taught me how. It seemed like I would have friends for a year or so then move onto different people. After being closeted for 10 years and lieing- I'm finally ready to try to work on myself and how to be a friend. You see this year was the year I am supposed to come "out" at work. I thought S and I would have already had a baby, or at least one on the way. After I came out to my two friends/colleges at the end of last year - I thought it would be a number one priority for me this fall. Now with all this grieving and baby stress...it isn't my number one at the moment. But I have to say that the genuineness, support, and love from my two friends is just so nice. It is really motivates me. I feel like I need to research the laws a little bit first. I am tenured though. Part of me is worried about our student population and getting killed! Look at what happened to Larry King. A kid just walked in and shot him in the back of his head. I could easily be a target. I teach to a large middle eastern population where in their countries they do kill gay people. Can you understand my stresses and why all I have done up to this point is bitch?

On to more hard things.... IVF #2. S has two embryos frozen at B and C quality. 70% thaw rate. 4400 dollars. Or 8200 dollars to get more fresh eggs. We have already spent so much. People keep asking me why don't I start trying. Maybe in another post I can go into more detail. Basically we have spent around 18,000 so far will 12,000 to pay off. I am scarred to go into debt further. We will come up with a plan this weekend.

Agenda

Today I am turning in our leases, two jeep commanders. They were wonderful and will be missed. Since Chrysler stopped leasing we scrambled and were lucky enough to lease two more at the last minute. We always go for cheap - so we ended up with Dodge Dakotas. It was the best deal going. Certain colors cost more - so we never choose what color we want. We ended up with grey and bright blue. If you lease two of the same car it is cheaper. S and I are more "jeep" chicks. The trucks are a bit masculine for us. We are feminine gals! But its only a two year commitment, right?

Today I have to also turn in a tracing of our new table top on our kitchen table. It is beautiful - wood with a little painted design. Very sweet. Anyway, I don't want the wood to chip off - so I though to put some glass over it!

I need to start going through my clothes in my closet. Now that school is here, this teacher needs to find out what still fits and what needs to be given to the poor. Our first teacher work day is tomorrow. At least it starts a little later in the morning.

Board

I see that my blogging is turning out to be bitching. Maybe all I am is a bitcher and complainer. Sorry about that. I hope people will still read my blog.

I'm board. We rented the 2nd season of Dexter and watched it all in two days. I love that show. I am so sad that I will have to wait another year for the next season. It is really good.

There is nothing to do today. Whenever we are both home I feel less motivated. It seems all we do is sit around. It is so freakin hot out too. We were going to plant some mums, but we can't find nice ones anywhere.

So instead we are watching the Wedding Date and Sleeping with the Enemy. Both are on cable right now. Maybe after we eat we will think of something.

Back to School Blues

Teachers are back to work next week. Students officially start on September 2nd.

I'm pretty blue. I thought I would be returning back to school feeling wonderful, excited, and happy because we were pregnant. I thought the same thing last year too. :0( But...no baby.
:0( No thrills. All I have to show is a summer full of sitting around in front of the TV because we have been depressed and have no additional money to do anything.

Our neighbor across the street stopped over last night. She and her husband see the same RE doctor we do. She was two weeks ahead of us...she is not pregnant either. She already has one child from either the 2nd or 3rd IVF cycle. They have spent so much. Neither of us really has furniture or "things" for our home. It sucks so bad that infertility costs so freakin much. It makes me sink deeper into depression.

We MIGHT do a craft project this weekend. We bought this horribly awful pumpkin man/witch that sits on feet to paint. It is SO scary...just thinking about it creeps me out. I have had nightmares that I'll be doing something in the house and I'll turn around and it will just be starring at me. Like it is walking and following me. Oooo....I'm so creeped out. I am getting the willies. S better not play a joke and hide that thing on me. It I ever turned around and it just appeared I would just piss my pants. I already am a screamer....over all sorts of little stuff. I hate bugs too.

Choked Up

I actually spoke to a friend and my mom today. It was hard. I was fighting back tears. I have this wonderful meditation about conception on my ipod. It is so moving. It talks about seeing your future child, connecting souls, and how precious life is. I walked around the track today listening to it, crying.

It was really hard talking today. I wanted to tell them both to shut up and that they had no idea about the pain, financial commitment, and the lack of sperm. Yes a miscarriage is devastating. But at least a heterosexual couple can try again for months and months if they choose. We are not rich. We don't have an endless supply of sperm. Dam doctors. Why is everything so freaking expensive. I wish the American Health System was like the National Health System in Europe.

All I feel is bitterness. I feel mean. I don't feel like doing my to do list. I don't feel like starting to get back into the groove for my students. I don't feel like being miserable either though.

S is back to work now. It is just me, sitting here at home. She is gone from 7 until 7. It gets lonely.

EMPTY

I am desperate. I am empty. I am deeply hurting.

We have spent $17,000 for 5 IUIs and 1 IVF. Two frozen remain. Thaw chance is 70%. Since the egg is going into a 39 year old body odds are low. This past IVF gave us a positive for three days then nothing. We were tricked. Now that the period is here seeing the blood just feels like death seeping out.

I am so sad that I haven't been able to talk to friends or family about this past IVF. It has almost been a week. I have been hiding from the world in a hole. I hate watching TV seeing little kids and babies. I don't want to see the neighborhood kids. I don't want people to tell me that it wasn't meant to be.

It will take us this next year to pay off this IVF. We are 12,000 in the hole. When we do the frozen we will be another 4,500. We have already paid off the IUI's totaling 7,000.

At what point do we call it quits? Do I get a second job? Do we put off buying the rest of our furniture for our new home for another few years? We can keep our underwear in boxes right? It's just underwear.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW PAINFUL IT IS TO GET THE CREDIT CARD BILL AND FORK OVER HUNDREDS AND HAVE NOTHING TO SHOW FOR.

I'm tired off sitting around the house all day in my underwear moping. I have no motivation to answer calls, go outside, or take care of myself. I just feel desperate, sad, and so empty. School starts soon. I don't even want to see my students. I'm not happy. I don't want to go back to work.

I'm just so sad..............and desperately seeking baby........................