Inbetween Up and Down

The title of this blog says it all.

First I will start with the Up side. I have been as school for a few days this week in meetings and such. We got 2 new administrators and things look like they are going to shape up. Some of the shit will be the same. I am so tired of the good ole' boys club. Fuck football and its American tradition. It is the cause of so much inequality, it sick ins me. Sorry this is supposed to be positive. Anyways, it was nice seeing people and taking my mind off things. It was also nice seeing the two people who know about me and what I am going through. They are becoming some of my first "real" friends. I can't tell you how great it feels just to talk about everyday stuff with them. They know exactly what happened this summer and how shitty it has been. Everyone else that I ran into yesterday I had to lie. It takes its tole on you. I am so not used to having people know about my life and be friends with me that it is almost uncomfortable. But I like it. My parents really didn't have a lot of friends growing up - so I guess no one really taught me how. It seemed like I would have friends for a year or so then move onto different people. After being closeted for 10 years and lieing- I'm finally ready to try to work on myself and how to be a friend. You see this year was the year I am supposed to come "out" at work. I thought S and I would have already had a baby, or at least one on the way. After I came out to my two friends/colleges at the end of last year - I thought it would be a number one priority for me this fall. Now with all this grieving and baby stress...it isn't my number one at the moment. But I have to say that the genuineness, support, and love from my two friends is just so nice. It is really motivates me. I feel like I need to research the laws a little bit first. I am tenured though. Part of me is worried about our student population and getting killed! Look at what happened to Larry King. A kid just walked in and shot him in the back of his head. I could easily be a target. I teach to a large middle eastern population where in their countries they do kill gay people. Can you understand my stresses and why all I have done up to this point is bitch?

On to more hard things.... IVF #2. S has two embryos frozen at B and C quality. 70% thaw rate. 4400 dollars. Or 8200 dollars to get more fresh eggs. We have already spent so much. People keep asking me why don't I start trying. Maybe in another post I can go into more detail. Basically we have spent around 18,000 so far will 12,000 to pay off. I am scarred to go into debt further. We will come up with a plan this weekend.