Choked Up

I actually spoke to a friend and my mom today. It was hard. I was fighting back tears. I have this wonderful meditation about conception on my ipod. It is so moving. It talks about seeing your future child, connecting souls, and how precious life is. I walked around the track today listening to it, crying.

It was really hard talking today. I wanted to tell them both to shut up and that they had no idea about the pain, financial commitment, and the lack of sperm. Yes a miscarriage is devastating. But at least a heterosexual couple can try again for months and months if they choose. We are not rich. We don't have an endless supply of sperm. Dam doctors. Why is everything so freaking expensive. I wish the American Health System was like the National Health System in Europe.

All I feel is bitterness. I feel mean. I don't feel like doing my to do list. I don't feel like starting to get back into the groove for my students. I don't feel like being miserable either though.

S is back to work now. It is just me, sitting here at home. She is gone from 7 until 7. It gets lonely.