They Are In!!

We are home from the transfer. Everything went smooth. The doctor put four in! They all were grade A - no fragmentation.

S was funny. The Valium made her giggly....which made me giggly after the procedure. I got to go into the operating room when they shot them up. It was soooo cool watching on the screen the insertion of the catheter and deposit of eggs. I teared up. We got a picture to take home too. One is of the deposit, the other is of the four eggs.

It's a wonderful day. S is not sleeping on the couch to Ratatouille. I just ran to the store to by some food to make chicken nachos. The weather is beautiful. We both feel excited and good.

Have a nice weekend.

Lucky 13

Well, my house is still a mess. I didn't lift one finger.

But I don't care. 13 eggs are dividing! :0) :0) :0) :0) :0) Last time out of the nine only 5 divided. The nurse kept going on about how 13 is a good number. (13 is also my lucky number) I hope I hope I hope that their is a good healthy normal egg and sperm and they grow. I got the call from the doctor today. S forgot her phone, number one, and number two she doesn't get service at her work anyways.....she was surprised and happy. Friday morning will be the transfer!!

Now I must try to motivate myself to clean. I promised S I would clean the bottom part of the house today and the upstairs tomorrow. I am normally a very neat person....but for some reason I have been not caring. I don't know what's wrong with me. But gosh darn it... today is the day. I have to stop snacking, stop watching TV, and stop finding excuses to go online. I need to get out of my PJs.....and get my a*s in gear.

Well, in about 5 more minutes. I wanted to share this link about cancer. As I have previously stated, S and I are trying to go 100% organic. We are about 80%. Cancer doesn't really run in our families, but you don't need a family history to get it. We are trying to be as health conscious as possible and being really picky about what we put into our body. My weakness is sugar. I am a sucker for sweets. Has anyone read his book? I plan to pick it up from our local library.

Oh one more thing before I go. I have some cute pictures to show you of my Guinea pig. They are such wonderful animals. These make me laugh.


Meet my piggy:

she loves to eat!

Hi!

helping me on the computer

in a pile of fresh greens

being a ham bone - look at that leg kicked out!

Change of Plans

They retrieved 15 eggs! Last time they only got 10. We have two grade B and C on ice from last time. I hope all these 15 do well. Tomorrow we find out how many fertilized. I am somewhat excited about the number....but I know that it is quality eggs, not quality. Because of the number the doc wants to do a true IVF cycle, not the ZIFT. So we will go in Friday or Saturday and get them put back in! I hope we have a good number of grade A's to put back in!

S is sore from her retrieval. We just woke up from being passed out on the couch and watching Harry Potter. I still feel stuffed from the food we ate from lunch. Now I think I will pay some bills and clean up this tornado of a mess from the weekend.

Woa!

We are on!

Tomorrow we do our HCG shot, Monday is the retrieval, and Tuesday will be the tubal ZIFT procedure. It all happened so fast! I was totally expecting to have time to get it together at school....now I am scrambling! It is all a little overwhelming. I know S is feeling overwhelmed! I usually am never overwhelmed and S is easily...but I am feeling it.

On our last IVF we had a TET. This is where they inject the egg into the f. tubes on day 3. It is of course more expensive... :0( ...about $1400 more than traditional IVF. The doctor is doing ZIFT this time (still a transfer into the tubes). The difference is that they will pull the eggs out on Monday and put them back in on Tuesday.

Supposedly, odds are higher! It is also better for women who are 39+because their eggs are more fragile and exposure to the outside environment can damage them at a higher rate then someone who has younger eggs. A possible reason for the chemical pregnancy last time? Maybe. However because their is a one day turn around, they won't be able to monitor the eggs for many days and choose the "top" eggs. Pros and Cons. Nerve wracking. I can see that I am going to be talking S down from possible melt downs as we discuss this. I am sure the doctor only wants what is best and is taking the best course of action for us. This is still so scary though! It's hard to trust someone and spend oodles of mu la.....but a part of me is calmer this time. Maybe because my gut is telling me that this time it is going to work. Or maybe it is because we have been through this before. Maybe both! A part of me is absolutely thrilled....and I can squeak in excitement! Another part of me is nervous...nervous like you are about to speak or perform in front of an audience!

Time will tell what will happen to us....and our story. Thanks for listening and waiting with us. Have a nice weekend!

Sorry about grossing you out!

I hope your not to grossed out! I was rereading my blog from yesterday and feeling self conscious about what I revealed!

Please don't stop reading about me! :0(

Day 8 Scoop

Hi ya'll!

The appointment with the Doctor went good. S and I stopped at Target and got some cute candy corn gifts for our nurses and doctor for putting up with us. They have really cool flavors! I don't think we are the typical couple. I have high anxiety....and that makes S have high anxiety......so we ask so many questions. Then we leave and have to call back with more questions. I hope they aren't rollin' their eyes at us when they see our number come up on color ID! But anyways...S will go in again on Friday. They think the egg retrieval will be this weekend!

ahahahaah. I just feel excitement this time!

Perfect example....Friday S was supposed to drop the donor sperm off at the doctors office. She forgot. After the meltdown.....we called the on call nurse. It was around 8:00pm. S felt so embarrassed. We couldn't take it on Monday, because the sperm would expire. Luckily their was a procedure was going on this weekend and we were able to drop it off!

In other news of my life:
S and I have switched over 85-90% of our diet to all organic. We feel healthier on the inside! Before we had a lot of gas (sorry if this is TMI) and now the problem sees to be taken care of. BUT - our armpits stink! It is so strange. The scent smells a lot like Middle Eastern food! I am desperately trying to figure out what specific ingredients is causing this. Our armpits feels sticky too. Sorry if this is grossing you out. I am almost getting grossed out thinking about it. I need to find a solution fasts, because you know I teach the older kids..... Oh, we do use deodorant (organic) but it's not helping!

Has this ever happened to anyone else on a organic diet?

Day 6

Today is day six of injections. S has about 15-16 eggs growing! One is at a stage 15 - the rest are between 6-12. The size 15 will probably be over mature - so that one is out! We head back Wednesday to see how big they have gotten! We are excited! Only a few melt downs so far....

I'll report back on Wed with the update!

New IVF Cycle Starts Tomorrow - IVF#2

Today was an OK day. My students are good! Still a little crazy from Homecoming over the weekend. It is taking a little while longer then I would like to get them back to our normal pace. I think they know I am annoyed.....but still love them! Maybe some of it is me too. Since we are starting a new IVF cycle...my mind isn't as focused on my work as I would like it to be. The same is true for S. She went to work today....and it was really her day off!

While doing lunch duty today I learned that a student's mom beat her and we called protective services. She came to school, a student in my good friend's class, with a huge swollen eye. She didn't make any excuses for her mom. Situations like this are so hard and sticky to deal with. Being a teacher is so much more than just teaching! Even through their are rough days, I can honestly say that I LOVE my job. I love my students, I love what I teach, and I love seeing them every day.

S has her baseline blood work tomorrow morning. I am excited for this cycle. We both are. I have this deep feeling in my gut that this is the one. I think she does too. Hopefully the crispness and excitement of Halloween will keep our spirits up. In addition, she will go for acupuncture too. S did this last cycle and loved it. I absolutely believe that it helped the egg implant. Too bad it was a genetic abnormality and we miscarried. I hope I hope I hope that the universe aligns and we get one egg and one sperm that are genetically beautiful.

P.S. The only fun thing we are doing this year is seeing Janet Jackson...this weekend! I LOVE Janet......she has the best concerts. We are sitting (standing) 10th row center on the floor. It should be fabulous....

We really need to have fun and are looking forward to it!

PSS Check out this cool gift my dad gave us! Isn't he cool? He stands 6foot tall, eyes glow, and he talks. Their is a mic too and you can make him speak. S and I plan to put him on our porch for Halloween and make kids take candy out of his cup while hiding and using the mic to talk to the kids! We LOVE Halloween!

Crabby

I'm crabby today. I threw my back out trying to help a student. It's not that bad...but it still kills and I want to walk hunched over.

I'm depressed about the stock market. I got my statements in the mail and I lost quite a bit! Depressing. I was reading an article on MSN and using a financial calculator to figure out how much I will need by retirement. Looks like I am going to be in the negative if I don't contribute loads more. Yeah....maybe when we get the twenty some thousand paid off of our credit card for these freakin IVF attempts. I just need a cute cuddly baby to stare at to make it all worth it. Just like baby Aussie and the girls at "The Journey with Baby Frank". So stinkin cute!

Getting back into the swing...

We are ready to get back into the swing of trying to have a baby again. S goes for her Lupron shot tomorrow. We have to pick a new sperm donor....doctor recommended it because of the miscarriage. We like XYTEX sperm bank, any one have recommendations?

So difficult. We are too picky. I hope like hell this will be the one. We will have spent around $21,000 on S. I got some fertility testing done with my doctor today. Just blood to see where I am at just in case. I might have PCOS.... that would be just our luck. If this time doens't work with S, we will have no more money to spend. Plans will be reuined....devestated. What if I have to end up with IVF if I have PCOS? We won't be able to afford it. I don't want to pour all of my life into this. I want to live too. Sill, I am haunted by the fact that we could remain childless....

Tired

I made it through the first day of school. It started off rocky....got up late, didn't get time to pack a lunch...and the garage door opener would not work.

I felt a little pissy.....but had a nice day with the kids. This weekend kicked my butt...moving furniture and doing last minute stuff. Hopefully tomorrow will be good. The kids seem good, but I'll report back at a later post.

Happy First Day of School to All!!!

Still Cleaning

I would just like to say that it is 11:24pm and I am still cleaning. I switched around the furniture in every room.....feels pretty good. I think I still have a few hours to go! I got the good dancing music on now too!!



All that a side....I feel like going out and dancing now. It has been so long. Some times stuff like that is hard when you are dating someone older. I long to take one of my teacher vacations and stay in Havana and take every weekend to go shake it like Shikira. I used to be a great dancer. As the days of my life go on, its a part that I don't think about now that I am grown. But, when the urge hits I really want to do it. Doesn't seem like it would be possible though. Even just to go to a club here is just a pain with all the dam smokers. They really ruin it. Vegas is horrible. I will have to go to one of those states where everything is smoke free. Will you take me? I need a dancing partner and some fun friends that aren't afraid to pull me to the dance floor and shake it too.

How I desperately long for this. Too bad S hates dancing.

Finding Money

S and I are going through our house to figure out what we can sell to go towards another IVF. We put a bunch of stuff up online and plan to have a garage sale. S is also going to work an additional 200 hours over the next year to pay off some of the IVF cost. Basically, if we want to pay all of this off we have to live a little poor for the next year. Not that we haven't already. We still live out of boxes from our move 1.5 year ago. We need furniture, rugs, paint, exct. We just really need this to happen so living poor will feel worth it. Please God, give us an embryo and sperm that are healthy and implant into S. She is so worthy and deserving. She needs to feel whole, complete, worthy, strong, important, and that she is somebody in this world. No matter how many times I tell her that she is and how much she means to me, it is ultimately S judging herself. I hope she is going to be strong for this upcoming ride....whatever your plans may be for her. Please look kindly upon her, I know she will do a good job and be forever grateful.

Inbetween Up and Down

The title of this blog says it all.

First I will start with the Up side. I have been as school for a few days this week in meetings and such. We got 2 new administrators and things look like they are going to shape up. Some of the shit will be the same. I am so tired of the good ole' boys club. Fuck football and its American tradition. It is the cause of so much inequality, it sick ins me. Sorry this is supposed to be positive. Anyways, it was nice seeing people and taking my mind off things. It was also nice seeing the two people who know about me and what I am going through. They are becoming some of my first "real" friends. I can't tell you how great it feels just to talk about everyday stuff with them. They know exactly what happened this summer and how shitty it has been. Everyone else that I ran into yesterday I had to lie. It takes its tole on you. I am so not used to having people know about my life and be friends with me that it is almost uncomfortable. But I like it. My parents really didn't have a lot of friends growing up - so I guess no one really taught me how. It seemed like I would have friends for a year or so then move onto different people. After being closeted for 10 years and lieing- I'm finally ready to try to work on myself and how to be a friend. You see this year was the year I am supposed to come "out" at work. I thought S and I would have already had a baby, or at least one on the way. After I came out to my two friends/colleges at the end of last year - I thought it would be a number one priority for me this fall. Now with all this grieving and baby stress...it isn't my number one at the moment. But I have to say that the genuineness, support, and love from my two friends is just so nice. It is really motivates me. I feel like I need to research the laws a little bit first. I am tenured though. Part of me is worried about our student population and getting killed! Look at what happened to Larry King. A kid just walked in and shot him in the back of his head. I could easily be a target. I teach to a large middle eastern population where in their countries they do kill gay people. Can you understand my stresses and why all I have done up to this point is bitch?

On to more hard things.... IVF #2. S has two embryos frozen at B and C quality. 70% thaw rate. 4400 dollars. Or 8200 dollars to get more fresh eggs. We have already spent so much. People keep asking me why don't I start trying. Maybe in another post I can go into more detail. Basically we have spent around 18,000 so far will 12,000 to pay off. I am scarred to go into debt further. We will come up with a plan this weekend.

Agenda

Today I am turning in our leases, two jeep commanders. They were wonderful and will be missed. Since Chrysler stopped leasing we scrambled and were lucky enough to lease two more at the last minute. We always go for cheap - so we ended up with Dodge Dakotas. It was the best deal going. Certain colors cost more - so we never choose what color we want. We ended up with grey and bright blue. If you lease two of the same car it is cheaper. S and I are more "jeep" chicks. The trucks are a bit masculine for us. We are feminine gals! But its only a two year commitment, right?

Today I have to also turn in a tracing of our new table top on our kitchen table. It is beautiful - wood with a little painted design. Very sweet. Anyway, I don't want the wood to chip off - so I though to put some glass over it!

I need to start going through my clothes in my closet. Now that school is here, this teacher needs to find out what still fits and what needs to be given to the poor. Our first teacher work day is tomorrow. At least it starts a little later in the morning.

Board

I see that my blogging is turning out to be bitching. Maybe all I am is a bitcher and complainer. Sorry about that. I hope people will still read my blog.

I'm board. We rented the 2nd season of Dexter and watched it all in two days. I love that show. I am so sad that I will have to wait another year for the next season. It is really good.

There is nothing to do today. Whenever we are both home I feel less motivated. It seems all we do is sit around. It is so freakin hot out too. We were going to plant some mums, but we can't find nice ones anywhere.

So instead we are watching the Wedding Date and Sleeping with the Enemy. Both are on cable right now. Maybe after we eat we will think of something.

Back to School Blues

Teachers are back to work next week. Students officially start on September 2nd.

I'm pretty blue. I thought I would be returning back to school feeling wonderful, excited, and happy because we were pregnant. I thought the same thing last year too. :0( But...no baby.
:0( No thrills. All I have to show is a summer full of sitting around in front of the TV because we have been depressed and have no additional money to do anything.

Our neighbor across the street stopped over last night. She and her husband see the same RE doctor we do. She was two weeks ahead of us...she is not pregnant either. She already has one child from either the 2nd or 3rd IVF cycle. They have spent so much. Neither of us really has furniture or "things" for our home. It sucks so bad that infertility costs so freakin much. It makes me sink deeper into depression.

We MIGHT do a craft project this weekend. We bought this horribly awful pumpkin man/witch that sits on feet to paint. It is SO scary...just thinking about it creeps me out. I have had nightmares that I'll be doing something in the house and I'll turn around and it will just be starring at me. Like it is walking and following me. Oooo....I'm so creeped out. I am getting the willies. S better not play a joke and hide that thing on me. It I ever turned around and it just appeared I would just piss my pants. I already am a screamer....over all sorts of little stuff. I hate bugs too.

Choked Up

I actually spoke to a friend and my mom today. It was hard. I was fighting back tears. I have this wonderful meditation about conception on my ipod. It is so moving. It talks about seeing your future child, connecting souls, and how precious life is. I walked around the track today listening to it, crying.

It was really hard talking today. I wanted to tell them both to shut up and that they had no idea about the pain, financial commitment, and the lack of sperm. Yes a miscarriage is devastating. But at least a heterosexual couple can try again for months and months if they choose. We are not rich. We don't have an endless supply of sperm. Dam doctors. Why is everything so freaking expensive. I wish the American Health System was like the National Health System in Europe.

All I feel is bitterness. I feel mean. I don't feel like doing my to do list. I don't feel like starting to get back into the groove for my students. I don't feel like being miserable either though.

S is back to work now. It is just me, sitting here at home. She is gone from 7 until 7. It gets lonely.

EMPTY

I am desperate. I am empty. I am deeply hurting.

We have spent $17,000 for 5 IUIs and 1 IVF. Two frozen remain. Thaw chance is 70%. Since the egg is going into a 39 year old body odds are low. This past IVF gave us a positive for three days then nothing. We were tricked. Now that the period is here seeing the blood just feels like death seeping out.

I am so sad that I haven't been able to talk to friends or family about this past IVF. It has almost been a week. I have been hiding from the world in a hole. I hate watching TV seeing little kids and babies. I don't want to see the neighborhood kids. I don't want people to tell me that it wasn't meant to be.

It will take us this next year to pay off this IVF. We are 12,000 in the hole. When we do the frozen we will be another 4,500. We have already paid off the IUI's totaling 7,000.

At what point do we call it quits? Do I get a second job? Do we put off buying the rest of our furniture for our new home for another few years? We can keep our underwear in boxes right? It's just underwear.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW PAINFUL IT IS TO GET THE CREDIT CARD BILL AND FORK OVER HUNDREDS AND HAVE NOTHING TO SHOW FOR.

I'm tired off sitting around the house all day in my underwear moping. I have no motivation to answer calls, go outside, or take care of myself. I just feel desperate, sad, and so empty. School starts soon. I don't even want to see my students. I'm not happy. I don't want to go back to work.

I'm just so sad..............and desperately seeking baby........................