EMPTY

I am desperate. I am empty. I am deeply hurting.

We have spent $17,000 for 5 IUIs and 1 IVF. Two frozen remain. Thaw chance is 70%. Since the egg is going into a 39 year old body odds are low. This past IVF gave us a positive for three days then nothing. We were tricked. Now that the period is here seeing the blood just feels like death seeping out.

I am so sad that I haven't been able to talk to friends or family about this past IVF. It has almost been a week. I have been hiding from the world in a hole. I hate watching TV seeing little kids and babies. I don't want to see the neighborhood kids. I don't want people to tell me that it wasn't meant to be.

It will take us this next year to pay off this IVF. We are 12,000 in the hole. When we do the frozen we will be another 4,500. We have already paid off the IUI's totaling 7,000.

At what point do we call it quits? Do I get a second job? Do we put off buying the rest of our furniture for our new home for another few years? We can keep our underwear in boxes right? It's just underwear.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW PAINFUL IT IS TO GET THE CREDIT CARD BILL AND FORK OVER HUNDREDS AND HAVE NOTHING TO SHOW FOR.

I'm tired off sitting around the house all day in my underwear moping. I have no motivation to answer calls, go outside, or take care of myself. I just feel desperate, sad, and so empty. School starts soon. I don't even want to see my students. I'm not happy. I don't want to go back to work.

I'm just so sad..............and desperately seeking baby........................